Thursday, September 21st 2017

Monologue/Weekend Update


  • Controversy occurred during the Emmy’s “In Memoriam” when Harry Dean Stanton, Charlie Murphy, and beloved activist Dick Gregory were omitted. But there just wasn’t enough room for them after including famed sexual assaulter Roger Ailes’ gross bloated body.


  • The Los Angeles  was hit with an earthquake that registered at 3.6 this week. Let’s be honest, we’d all register as a 3.6 west of the Allegheny.


  • Shonda Rhimes is launching a new lifestyle website. It will feature section on style, body positivity, and how to get away with murder.


  • Karen Pence came out this week. Sorry, mother! came out this week.


  • During the UN, Melania Trump spoke out against the ills of bullying. Trump proudly greeted his wife on stage and lovingly shoved her out of the way.



  • Today is International Peace Day. Maybe next year, Peace.

That’s right, it’s International Peace Day. In honor of the occasion, Trump totally destroyed North Korea. In fairness, it was only on Twitter.


  • Betsy Devos revealed this week she foots the bill for all her private jet travel. Golly gosh, that almost makes up for defrauding millions in student debt and stripping rape victims of protections!


  • Staff members at a Naval hospital in Jacksonville are under criminal investigation after snapchat videos went viral of nurses mishandling infants and giving babies the middle finger. The nurses defended their actions by saying it was just part of Trumpcare.


  • During the Bloomberg Global Business Forum in New York, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was seen wearing Chewbacca socks. Not to be outdone, Trump showed off his Emperor Palatine:

Screen Shot 2017-09-22 at 12.22.58 AM



An Alabama GOP senate candidate spoke out against the new GOP repeal bill, saying he’d never vote for it. I never thought an Alabama GOP senate candidate and I would have something in common: no ability to vote on Trumpcare.




Thank You Notes


  • Thank you, Donald trump, for referring to Kim Jong Un as Rocket Man, but I think it’s going to be a long, long time before I get that song out of my head.


  • Thank you, Game of Thrones, for being ineligible for this year’s Emmys, for giving others a brief moment of hope and happiness before killing them all next year.