Friday, September 29th 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue


  • Twitter released a statement this week saying it won’t delete Trump’s tweets threatening North Korea because it’s “newsworthy.” Oh, so if Trump makes threatening tweets it’s “newsworthy,” but if I do, I’m “harassing Zayn Malik for ruining One Direction” and “need court appointed therapy.”


  • Trump has reportedly been physically mocking Senator John McCain’s thumbs down motion. The aid Trump had cornered faked a foot injury and Trump said, “hey, that’s my move!”


  • HHS Secretary Tom Price resigned amid the private jet scandal and was quickly replaced by Don J. Wright. In an official statement from the White House, Trump said: The Price is Wright.


  • In an interview with Fox News, Steven Seagal came out against kneeling for the national anthem, saying it was “a joke” and “disgusting” to disrespect the American flag. Which is a harsh indictment from a man living in Russia, quietly Rachel Dolezal-ing. Screen Shot 2017-09-29 at 11.50.18 PM


  • The North Korean foreign minister said Trump’s Twitter comments over the weekend were clearly a declaration of war. And I gotta say, the players thought so too.


On Sunday #taketheknee started trending as a sign of protest for racial injustice. And a lot of people participated in taking the knee: players, coaches, owners, Jon Snow.


  • Reports show that that international tourism has declined in the US for 2017, resulting in nearly $2.7 billion loss in spending. Interesting. I wonder what could have hapBANNED to cause this.


  • This week Twitter decided to up their character count to 280. Rest in peace, General Kelly. You gave it your best.


  • New Hampshire Republicans accidentally passed a law allowing pregnant women to kill. So meet, Bond. Jane Bond. gun3


  • Shortly after surpassing Jordans as the number two selling sportswear, Adidas came enveloped in scandal this week after an executive and several NCAA couches were arrested for fraud and corruption. The FBI said it had been tipped off by an anonymous source. Michael_Jordan_in_2014


  • Reportedly, Ivanka and Don Jr. tried to “bump” Tiffany out of her inheritance. They said only losers take inheritance and the cool kids ask to be taken out of the will. But that only worked on Eric. Personally, I don’t believe this story. Tiffany was never getting inheritance.


  • Former First Lady Michelle Obama harshly criticized women who voted for Trump for voting against their own self-interest. But I think Jared Kushner had her reasons.


  • The White House has opened an investigation into the use of personal emails after it was revealed more than six staff members were still using them. But, Trump has made his stance clear: Lock Her Up. 170525212051-jared-kushner-0405-full-169



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